After some fights, we walk away doubting the whole relationship and wondering what we got ourselves into. It is in times like these that it is beneficial for lovers young and old to remember that not only are they likely to not be the only people to have fought about whatever the cause of the tension is, but also that there is a way to deal with most disagreements that is helpful and allows for both members of the couple to walk away feeling happy and heard.
When these fights occur during times like an engagement that are likely to build stress, remembering those things can be easier said than done. So here’s a bit of help. If any of these fights feels familiar to you, you may want to step back and assess the situation.
The In-Law Argument
Not much needs to be said to explain the causes of the in-law argument. Her mother is too pushy, his father makes inappropriate jokes. It seems an easier problem to have than not to. According to author, rabbi, and family counselor/mediator M. Gary Neuman, The role of mediator ultimately rests with the spouse with the over involved parent. This makes logical sense since it is likely that parent will be less offended, and better able to forgive and take the advice to butt out into consideration.
The Attention Argument
Maybe it’s too much time spent on his or her cell phone, maybe they just stare into it at all the wrong times. On the other hand, you could be longing for your partner to spend what others may consider to be too much time on their cell phone as long as they’d do it around you. The lack of time and attention can feel like the ultimate in disrespect when it comes to wedding planning, and general life as well, and fixing it can be tough.
Don’t let negative emotions linked to not getting the attention that you want and feel that you deserve build up, and don’t be too eager to place blame. Let your needs be known and refuse to let dealing with this particular conflict become too turbulent of a situation by standing firmly in your position as one part of a loving couple coming to the other and asking for help in continuing a collaborative partnership.
The Argument you’ll Start by Being a Bridezilla
Torturing your friends and family with incessant demands and putting your wedding day on a higher pedestal than your actual lifetime of marriage isn’t smart. Even if your spouse is willing to try to see you through and deal with your ticks, it’s advisable to keep calm, be only as assertive as you need to when explaining what you want, and try to remember that because something not going your way doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone around you is against you.
The Money Argument
According to doctors like Psychology Today contributor Leon F. Seltzer, attitudes about money, how we spend it and how we save it, are usually closely tied to our values. Of course this means that our positions on money management are closely tied to who we are, what we want, and certain beliefs we have about living in the world. It makes sense then, that hearing opposition, and being expected to incorporate those opposing view points into your everyday life can be taken personal, and result in fights we’d all love to say we’re too advanced to have over something as shallow as money.
Something big like a wedding can easily bring out our most deep rooted feelings and fears about how money should be handled. Change the course of your money argument and have instead, a conversation about the expectations you attach to money that comes into the household. This is a primetime to discuss prenups, if applicable, and be sure that you both feel like you’re standing on comfortable ground regardless of what may happen down the line; for better or for worse.
Arguing Over the Past
This is a hard one. It isn’t illogical that things that occurred in your relationship in the past could linger, fester, and paint a bad picture over your current situation. Things that happened outside of your relationship may be lingering too; you may be bothered by an ex that your spouse has remained friends with through the years. The best thing to do is be open and considerate of the other persons’ feelings. If it is truly time to take a step as big as getting married, they’ll be considerate of your feelings as well and the two of you will likely stand a better chance of working through the issue together, and getting on the right path to working things out.
While it is said that couples fight, and this is seen as a normal occurrence that is bound to happen, expecting this doesn’t align with the possibility of having positive expectations for your relationship or pending marriage. Addressing conflict doesn’t necessarily have to mean fighting, and finding yourself in the midst of a fight with your special someone doesn’t mean that you can’t change the course of things. You aren’t on opposing teams; keeping this simple fact in mind can go a long way.
